When we lose a baby in miscarriage, we are disoriented. We go from the exhilaration of pregnancy to the despair of miscarriage. Sometimes it is hard to know what to do next.
What do we do with our pain? How do we grieve someone we loved and wanted, but never met and held?
Consider these three steps to grieve, which will help you begin healing.
1. Slow down and give yourself space to grieve.
You just lost a baby. You lost the hopes and dreams you had for your child. You lost a baby made in the image of God. Your baby’s life mattered to God.
Give yourself space and permission to grieve. When we lose a loved one, we recognize that we need to cry and lean into our sadness. We may need to take time off of work. We need to remember.
The same is true when we lose a baby in early pregnancy loss. We need to allow ourselves to cry. We need to allow ourselves to feel the depth of what we lost and grieve what we lost.
We not only lost our baby, but we lost the hopes and dreams we had for our baby and our family. We lost the opportunity to see our child take their first step, say their first word, and achieve their dreams.
Get alone and cry for your baby, for yourself, and for your family. Let the tears fall, and keep falling. Give yourself time and space to grieve.
2. Pour out your pain to Jesus in journaling.
Jesus understands the pain of losing someone you love (see Matthew 14:1-13 and John 11:1-43). He wants to hear your pain and heal your pain.
For years, I have journaled with Jesus—talked to Jesus by writing my prayers. This kind of journaling has been a transformative practice in my life. I can take the jumbled emotions and thoughts in my heart and mind and process them with Jesus.
Often when I pray in my mind, rather than journal, my thoughts go in circles; I keep going over the same territory.
Have you ever driven around a roundabout? They are famous in England, but our city of 100,000 people in northeast Florida decided they are beneficial and has installed numerous of them. We all had to learn to drive through them.
Often if we just pray in our minds, but don’t write down our prayers, it is like we are circling in a roundabout. We continue going over the same road, but we don’t move past our current location. We get stuck.
In contrast, writing our prayers allows us to exit the roundabout and drive down the road to new territory. When we pour out our thoughts and feelings to Jesus, we see them, better understand them, and then Jesus can help bring healing to them.
But it starts with being honest with Jesus about what we’re thinking and feeling.
As you set aside space to grieve, grab a journal or notebook, and start with one of these prompts:
- Jesus, I feel . . .
- Jesus, it hurt so much when . . .
- Jesus, I don’t understand . . .
3. Share your early pregnancy loss story.
We talk about what is important to us. We share stories about what matters to us. When we share stories of our pain, we begin to heal.
Your baby’s story needs to be told. Your early pregnancy loss story needs to be told.
Here are some questions to get you started thinking about your story:
- How did you feel when you found out you were pregnant?
- When and how did you lose your baby?
- What were your thoughts and feelings during this time?
- What does it mean that you lost your baby? What hopes and dreams have you lost?
- Who did you tell about your pregnancy loss and what were their reactions?
You may wonder, to whom should I share my story? Here are a few suggestions to consider and pray through:
- Start with your husband or partner – If you haven’t shared the full story of your loss with your husband, start by sharing it with him.
- Find a godly woman who has also experienced loss – Ask God to lead you to a mature Christian woman who has experienced early pregnancy loss or loss of some kind, with whom you can share your loss.
- Share your story with me – I would be honored to hear your early pregnancy loss story. You can share it here with me. This is a safe place to grieve and heal together.
May I pray for you?
Jesus, thank you that you are the God of hope and healing. Bring healing to this reader’s heart. Would you help her to grieve the loss of her baby and pour out her heart to you? Help her to know the depth of your love for her. Wrap your arms around her and comfort her. In your name I pray, Amen.
In the comments below, please share a simple step you plan to take to grieve your miscarriage.